On The Verge of Overcoming Something...

I have a confession:

I am painfully shy. I also run a theatre company. These two things don't mix very well. That statement will make most of my friends laugh really, really hard. See, I am one of those people who, once I get to know and trust you (or after I have a drink or two in me), I am loud, fearless and cannot be shut up. 

I also have developed shyness. Ironically, in my teenage years, I didn’t feel like this. I think when the act of confidence most people put up in their teens fell away I realised that wow, I am basically loud and annoying. 

When I feel comfortable, I am unafraid to speak my mind. I'll flirt with anything that moves. I trust my social instincts and I'm silly, bolshy and carefree. ‘Shy’ and ‘Franki’ to my nearest and dearest have just never seen a sentence together. 

But man, do I hate meeting new people. It's nothing personal, I just feel physically ill when organising a meeting with someone for the first time. I struggle massively with articulating myself vocally (I'm a writer and a perfectionist - there is no grammerly for real life) and so I tend to stutter and stumble a lot. I feel like an idiot when I can't think of the right word and it puts me off from speaking in social situations, especially in new large groups. And what happens when someone asks me to call someone on the actual telephone? Well, I will desperately put that off for days, weeks. I will let phone calls from my closest friends go to voicemail until I’ve mentally prepared myself for it. I will avoid human to human interaction like there’s a new plague because it can actually physically exhaust me. I nervous pee a lot in social situations because it gives me room to breathe. I will keep emailing someone until the moment I have to meet them and when I do meet them I am mostly made up of bad, ill-timed small talk and confusing sentence structures within which I have tried to say one thing but my brain has farted something else out of my mouth. If could write a play, send it off, get it performed and never turn up until opening night, I would (and on one occasion, I have done this. It was very scary). All this, as you can imagine, can sometimes get in the way of running a company. 

Before I go any further I should say this – this isn’t a boo-hoo woe-is-me story about needing special attention because I can’t say ‘boo’ to a goose. I know that in the theatre industry you have to lace up your boots and get on with it, which is what I do. I know that I have to buckle up (why are so many bravery metaphors shoe related?) and face my irrational fear of people in order to work effectively with them. This is what the Bespectacled Blog is about – an honest account of our process. And sometimes, our process scares me to death. 

I’m sure a lot of new theatre-makers feel like this, which is somewhat comforting and the reason why I’m writing this. We are constantly toeing the line between professional and approachable, gaining respect and gaining amicable contacts, between commanding authority and not knowing what in the world we are doing. We are all learning, whilst feeling like we have to act like we totally have our shit together. 

The older I get, the more I start to realise that literally nobody has their shit together. We’re all doing our best, and mostly, doing alright. But mostly the shit is spread quite far across the metaphorical garden of life. 

So, this is a really just an acknowledgement to others in the industry, newbies or not, who may feel like sometimes they are scared to death of what is coming. If that’s your next show, or your next meeting, or the next phone call. I’m saying: hun, me too. 

But when I get back into the rehearsal room and I stick on some ridiculous electro swing to get the room moving, or I struggle with a particular word and one of the actors gives me an even better one, or something in me clicks with a section of a piece and I am suddenly unable to stop talking and creating and shaping with the words tumbling out of my mouth, I realise that this is what I’m doing it for. Each and every time I meet a group of new creatives, a tiny chunk of my crippling shyness is chipped away. And I’m noticing. Last week, when we auditioned for On The Verge, I walked into the room able to actually smile and I felt something like I was at home. Theatre and working with other people is slowly but surely easing me out of my self-imposed shell again. 

This is why I push so hard for Bespectacled to be a collaborative process. It is for anyone and everyone who may feel the same as me. Drama runs in my veins as it does through so many others, connecting a huge range of individuals together as one. It is a space for the vulnerable to become protected, for the individual to work together, for the shy to become confident. It’s a place to grow. 

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have to be liked, which I think was a huge part of my shyness to begin with, although I still stand firmly in the belief that nobody likes to work with an asshole. Creatives (myself included) can have delicate egos, and I have learnt to perfect the criticism sandwich (something good-something bad-something good). I like it. I like making people feel good about the work they are making, because more often than not, it’s important. We need to hear it. But by the same token, nothing is ever finished and can always be ‘improved’ on. But we must all learn to take this with a pinch of salt and receive it as a way to progress properly.

I am slowly beginning to learn that the trick is not to be liked, but to be respected. And I don’t have to stutter my way through terrible jokes to achieve that.

Although I can’t promise I’ll be able to stop. Franki x 

#OnTheVerge17 #theatre #liverpooltheatre #speccytheatreco #drama #hopestreet #ontheverge